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New Year 2012: Mentally ill begin preparing

A typical 2012 doomsayer “warning the masses”.

As the new year fast approaches, many doomsayers (more commonly referred to as “paranoid delusionists”) are stocking their bomb shelters with canned foods and ironing their tinfoil hats in preparation for “The End of the World” in December.

While most people have been content to look at the evidence (or lack thereof) for a doomsday scenario in 2012 and continue awaiting the release of Assassin’s Creed III, the mentally ill are still holding on to the notion and sneering at the sane people for their ignorance. “Everyone is always so quick to point out that the Mayans didn‘t actually predict the end of the world and the fact that we should be able to see a planet-sized asteroid that was going to crash into us in less than a year. And the fact that it‘s never the same date everywhere at once. And the fact that the sun has already emitted giant solar flares without wiping out humanity. And the fact that the

end of the world has been ‘predicted’ time and time again without anything happening …” One of the more vocal conspiracy theorists stated on some street corner while wearing a tinfoil hat and a sheet covered in faeces. “But those are all just cover-ups by the lizard people and the Masons! You can all keep living like blind sheeple while the rest of us sit in our bomb shelters with our dehydrated foods and our poop corner slowly stinking up the place like normal awakened citizens!”

This doomsday paranoia is a result of the theory that the Mayan calendar predicts that the world will end on the 21st of December 2012, a theory that experts have labelled “essentially nothing”. “The problem with this entire doomsday panic is that the Mayans never actually predicted the end of the world; December 21st is simply when the Long Count calendar reaches the end of its current cycle”, a certifiably sane expert on Mesoamerican history was quoted as saying before being mobbed by conspiracy theorists and labelled a “pawn of the New World Order”.

With suicide rates expected to skyrocket as we get closer to the so-called “End of Days”, authorities are advising that all we can do is hope that Natural Selection will take its course and the human race will be better off without those that died.